Chopsticks

Growing up, I thought that chopsticks were all alike – 1 foot long light beige sticks of wood with a square profile which were designed expressly to torment hungry children whose parents believed in “cultural education”. Living in California taught me that they also come as disposables and as overly ornate craft store items. It wasn’t until Japan that I realized that they really come in a complete array of sizes and shapes and colors: carved wooden ones, pointy lacquered ones, elaborately gold-leaved ones, ones in solid colors, ones with cartoon characters ... Martha Stewart even has her own brand.

They also come in different sizes. The ones I’m used to are the ones you eat with, but there are also cooking chopsticks that come in big, bigger, and special big. For some reason, I’m fascinated by these oversized ones and couldn’t resist a pair at the 100 yen store (ok, so I buy a lot of ill-advised things at the 100 yen store – at least it’s a cheap addiction). Most of the cooking I do here poses no challenge for any utensil of any kind. But tonight I actually tried to fry eggplant slices and a little voice in my head whispered that it would be fun to try cooking with the chopsticks. You really would think that I would have learned not to listen to that voice after three decades.

First of all, eggplant is rather slippery. And, when cut in slices, adheres to a flat surface really well. This doesn’t bother me too much on a plate, but in a deep pan coated with sizzling oil and a live flame underneath, it’s a little more challenging. As far as I can tell, you have three options. You can try to squeeze the slice hard enough that friction keeps it glued to the chopsticks, but then you run the risk of accidentally shooting it across the kitchen. You can scoop the slice toward the side and try to use gravity to flip it, but then you run the risk of dumping it over the side of the pan into the flame or onto your foot. Or you can just spear the slice and hope to lift it just enough to twist it, but then you run the risk of vivisecting it. And your only hope at that point is to continue cooking it long enough that it will pour out of the pan.

I’m pretty proud of myself though. I didn’t start a grease fire and only one slice ended up on the floor. But prudence might win out in the end - the special big chopsticks might get left behind accidentally.